hazel is feeling really helpless. i hate the fact that i cannot be in control of my body. i hate the fact that idk what is happening in my body. whatever the doctors said are like rubbish to me. it dont even seem to make sense. everyone is telling me different things. i hate it. what exactly is happening? every doctor has their own explanation. i seriously hate being pushed around.

im sorry if you happily entered my blog and happen to see this long dreadful post. i really needed a space to let go.

i have been spending money on rubbbish. rubbish that i've heard more than 10 times. i hate it. why am i like that? why are terrifying problems always intefering my life. why must this ruin my life? especially when life seems perfect for me. when i am loving my life to the fullest. why must this happen? i dont even know whats wrong with the bloody back. if its really only going to heal in 5 years, idk how to live with it. maybe you can teach me? does anyone understand? although it doesnt kill my body, it kills my soul. it kills the hope in me. the dreams i have. the strength within me. besides, im sure it worries my parents and my no longer young grandma. i dont want them to see my pain. even my beloved mahjong understands that im in pain.

oh man. i have dreams people! do you understand? i cannot waste my time on healing my bloody back. fuck the pain. the doctor says it is no big deal. he see scoliosis patients everyday. but hey, do they get horrid numbness in their back and leg? i dont like this at all. i hate the pain. i hate it. i detest it. go away. i dont want to be injured.

hazel is an active person u asshole . hazel runs and jumps and go crazy. hazel cannot live with plainly walking. hazel is sporty. so what if she is never good at it? hazel still loves a game of soccer. or dragon boating. whatever. hazel loves the outdoors! i feel like a handicap. do you understand that i havent been going for pe for almost half a yr?! oh fuck it. if hazel have to give up dancing, i swear im gonna lose it for sure.

fyi, dance is the only thing i can call my talent. dance is the only thing hazel didnt give up. i would always remember my mum saying this 'why bother learning dancing when you're going to give up in less than 3 mths?!' but hey. it has been 7 years of dance. yes, it might not be very long. and i might not be really good at it. but it made me who i am. it groomed me. i didnt give dance up when i was bullied. it made hazel ang strong. it made hazel ang the chairperson of dance club today. it built me up. dance is part of me. im never giving it up. mum says i can resume dance after im alright. hey. its 5 years! FIVE BLOODY YEARS.

kill me if you could.